Blogging...cheaper than therapy!

So everyone else is doing it, and I felt a little left out so I took the plunge! I am now officially a blogger. (Please hold your applause) It seems the proper blog protocol is for one to write about him/herself in the initial blog entry. I will follow the rules.
The most important thing in my life right now is my expanding family. I married my high school sweetheart David in March of 2001. We were very young and stupid, but thanks to our responsibility, maturity, and the hand of God we have managed to build an amazing life together. We spent the first few years of marriage together engaging in some major adult purchases! In the first six months we bought a new vehicle and a new (to us!) home. David completely remodeled the house, and we sold it for a fun little profit. We also bought a few vehicles in those first few years. The major life lesson that I took away from those experiences was that I hate buying cars and houses and now avoid it at all costs! Anything that involves banks is not for me!
In the summer of 2004 he began constructing and contracting our home which was completed in the summer of 2005. I am so proud of the work he put into our home. By this time we were feeling very settled and a little overwhelmed by the things that took place in those first four years. But we made it that far! Four years is a lifetime by Hollywood standards! Little did we know that the next two years would be more trying than any car-buying or house-building experince.
David became a carpenter at TVA in the Spring of 2002. He quickly advanced into foreman status because of his skills in his trade. In the Fall of 2005 I was hired to teach high school English at Tanner High School. I was thrilled to get this job because there are so many teachers trying to find jobs these days. In October 2005 I was just trying to survive my first year of teaching when I found out that I was pregnant! SURPRISE! It was great. Everything seemed to be happening the way I wanted it to. I finished school, got married, got a job, and now I was getting a baby. That was how I always thought my life would be. Unfortunately, that December we found out that our baby did not survive. There is no blog long enough or words effective enought to put in writing the misery I felt. Most of all I just could not believe what had happened. I was so scared that I did something wrong to make my baby go away. Everyone always says that babies are a gift from God, so I thought maybe I didn't deserve that gift. It wasn't until recently that I realized that none of those things were true. God gives life...He doesn't take it away. However, even though we did not plan the first baby, we realized how ready we were to have a baby in our family. Now we had a mission! We spent the next year healing and preparing ourselves to bring a baby into this world. After the physical healing was over, there was a time period when I was still emotionally unprepared to deal with the possibility of another miscarriage. But the strength came and in November 2006, we found out that we were pregnant again! After one short week of knowing, I miscarried again. The strange thing is that it was almost easier the second time. It ended more quickly, and in the back of my mind I expected it to happen anyway. But old pains came back and new fears of never being able to carry my own child began to seep into my mind. So we began the process of physical and mental healing, AGAIN! We started trying AGAIN! Anyone who has had trouble conceiving a child can vouch for the fact that it is a mental mind game, and mentally, I was spent. In the loss of my first two babies, I lost hope, confidence, and ashamedly, faith. I was mentally defeated and needed help. Some months I didn't even want to try. Some months I was ready to try again. Some months I was too scared to try and just wanted to adopt and avoid another failed pregnancy. Honestly, I needed some help! Also during this time I found myself becoming extremely introverted and depressed. I would almost feel guilty if I was happy. I mourned for my losses in a way that was completely unhealthy. I wallowed in self-pity. I tried to give my feelings to God and put my burden in his hands, but I was too impatient, and I would give up on Him. Then, when other things didn't work, I would go back to Him. It was a horrible cycle that I am still ashamed of. In October 2007, David and I decided to see a fertility specialist. Sounds strange because I am obviously fertile! I've been pregnant more times than most women ever are in their whole life! But we knew there was something that was keeping the pregnancies from being successful, and we had to find out what it was. So David was tested and much to his relief, he had great swimmers! WHEW! I know that was his biggest fear. Good news for him but bad for me because now I knew it was all me. What was I going to do if I couldn't give my husband a child of his own? Luckily, my problems were very minor. I was put on some medication to eliminate the numerous tiny cysts on my ovaries, a shot to schedule ovulation, and some hormone trickery and BAM! Three months and I'm pregnant again! I decided that the last two times I had not approached this pregancy thing correctly. I asked everyone I knew to pray for me, David, and the baby. I had so many well-wishers that I was overwhelmed with the amount of people who would tell me that they were praying for us. Now, I was closely monitored through the first trimester by one of the most brilliant doctors I have ever been in contact. But who are we kidding?! It was the prayers! Our God just works that way! Everyone always told me that these things all happened for a reason. Maybe they did and maybe they didn't. I do know that, God willing, my little boy will be here in about three months. I do know that I learned a lot about the kind of mom I want to be from this process. I do know that Camden will not replace the children that I lost. I do know that my babies are with God, and that they are more blessed to be with Him in Heaven than on earth with me. I know that God will see me through anything if I will be patient and let Him have His way. So if there is a reason, I believe it is so that I could KNOW all of these things. I found out about my first pregnancy in October 2005 and my baby boy should make his entrance into this world in October 2008. Isn't it amazing how God shows out sometimes!!
So WOW! My first blog was heavy! It's amazing how things started to flow once I began typing. Blogging...cheaper than therapy!